Spiritual Hicup
by Heta-Kasha
Summary: None of this makes sense. One second I'm practicing for a play, and the next I'm in Amestris, and not even in my own flesh! Just who the heck am I anyway? And if I'm here... What happened to my body?
1. Episode 1: Enter Weirdness

Rated T for mild Swearing, Violence, and just plain weirdness. You have been warned.

Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. Fighting Panties!

All orignal characters belong to me. If someone in here sounds like someone you know, it wasn't on purpose.

Special Thanks to my allies in the pen. I write for my friends!

* * *

"_I am Heavy Weapons Guy. And _this_ is my weapon."_

No, you're not reading the wrong story. That was the video I was watching. I would be playing the part of a Russian sailor later today, so I was trying to get my voice down.

Ah, sorry. You've got no clue who I am, do you?

My name's Matthew Jones. I'm a fantasticly awesome and handsome young actor with a ton of money.

Heh, I wish.

I'm a 17 year old High School student with an interest in acting and about thirteen dollars at his disposal. My name really is Matthew Jones though, so don't think I lied about everything.

Anyway, I was in my room, listening to the Heavy talk about Sasha while I got dressed. Today was Thursday, which meant that the Drama club was going to practice the play that they'd supposedly be doing next week. I say 'supposedly' because our club had never actually put on a play. Everything we tried, one of the leading cast members got sick or had to leave suddenly, and since we didn't have enough people for extras, the play would be canceled.

This time would be different, however. Our club now had enough people for understudies for the main cast, so short of a zombie apocalypse, the show would go on.

Not that you probably care about all that. Let's move on.

"_Matthew!"_ My mom's voice filtered through the door._ "Dallas' here for you!"_

Crap. I'd forgotten he was coming early. "Hold him off for a second! I'm almost ready!" I pulled a black tee on, blowing the errant strands of black hair out of my face. Mom would be on me about getting it trimmed soon.

I sped down the stairs, stuffing my keys and wallet into my jean pockets. I lingered on my cell phone's wallpaper for a second—it was me and my friends in cosplay. I was Ling, what with my long hair and somewhat Asian appearance, Dallas was Ed, and Serra was Winry. You'll meet one of them soon, and the other later.

As I passed my mom, I gave her a fist bump. It was a tradition we'd started after I got too old to be kissed. "I'll grab a sub on the way," I said, pulling my hair back in to a ponytail.

Mom nodded, handing me my backpack. "There's a note in here for Serra. Tell her to give it to her mother. It's the name of the magazine she was looking for."

I gave her a thumb up, and walked neatly into a wall instead of around the corner like I should have. A slight clapping from behind me while I pocketed the paper, followed by slipping my feet into sandals. One last look back, a salute, and I was out the door.

* * *

"'Eeeey! Wazzup, short stuff?" Dallas was leaning against one of the posts holding our porch ceiling up. He was a pretty tall for 17—but then again, everyone looks tall when you're 5'5". Short blond hair, blue eyes, tanned skin… It sounds like I'm writing a fake profile for a dating site, but out of the three of us, he looked the most like an actor.

I gave him a fake jab to the stomach, complete with smile. "Good as always, you overgrown desert giant. Come on, Serra will have a fit if we keep her waiting."

Luckily, we lived close enough that we could walk. Dallas' car had been the victim of a drunk driver in the parking lot. No-one had been hurt, but the car would be in traction for another week at least. I, on the other hand, had no driver's license. I was happy to use the bus and my legs for transit, thank you very much.

We arrived at Serra's house without anything more dangerous than a couple of birds crossing our path. Mind you, those were some pretty mean-looking birds, but they were robins, and I doubt they had seen any Hitchcock movies recently.

I walked up to the door and knocked. A few seconds later, a 9 year old girl answered the door.

No, that's not Serra. This is Annie, her younger sister. Like her sister, she had sandy hair and brown eyes. "Oh, hi Matt!" She waved at Dallas, who was waiting at the sidewalk. "Big sis'll be down in a sec. Wanna wait inside?"

"No thanks. We'll just wait out here." I started to walk over to Dallas, but remembered what my mom had said earlier. I pulled my backpack off and searched through the pockets until I found the paper. "Actually, is your mom still home? I have a note for her here…"

"Ah! I'll take it to her when she's done. She's busy writin'." I shuddered, remembering the last time I'd interrupted Mrs. Gorski when she was creating.

"_Sorry for keeping you waiting!"_ Serra slid down the banister, landing gracefully in front of me.

I gave her a thumb up. "See, if I tried to do that, I'd be getting a ride in an ambulance right about now."

"That's 'cause you've got all the grace of a drunk giraffe." She stuck her tongue out at me. I resisted the temptation to make a grab for it.

"Hey, that's an insult to giraffes everywhere."

"Whatever. Come on, let's not keep Dallas waiting."

I followed her out the door, pausing to wave at Annie. With that, our journey to school began.

* * *

However, school is usually boring, so we'll skip it. Instead, let's move forward to the play practice. Our director had made a change in the script, so I was entering earlier. Unfortunately, explanations were not his strong suite, so I was left in a bit of a daze.

I pinched the bridge of my nose—a habit I'd picked up whenever I was tired and confused. "Right, so I come in after Dallas finishes his line. After that, I-"

A high pitched screech blocked all entrances and exits from my brain. It was as if the very bones in my head were screaming for release from their muscle prisons. I clutched my skull, trying to keep it from flying apart. A dull pressure on my right side barely registered that I'd fallen before the screech tore it out. I squeezed my eyes tighter shut, hoping for something, anything to make it stop.

Black. Black everywhere. Then white. The noise was gone, replaced with a silence you could cut with a knife. Maybe a sharpened spoon, like one for grapefruit. I was standing, hands at my sides, and completely surrounded by pure, white, nothing.

I looked around, my brain slowly adjusting. My surroundings seemed familiar, but I couldn't quite place them yet. Nothing but white to the left, white to the right, a dark shadow over me…

Wait, what?

I spun around, expecting a giant monster or obsidian monolith and a bone. What I didn't expect was a giant stone slab floating a couple of feet above the ground. The surface was covered with, for lack of a better term, arcane symbols and otherworldly geography. A few minutes of staring were all I needed to come to a conclusion.

"Ah, that's it," I said out loud, "this is the Gate of Truth."

I smiled, glad I had figured that out so quickly. Suddenly, it accrued to me that, as a member of the real world, I probably shouldn't be standing in front of one of the largest plot devices in a popular, and fictional, manga. Of course, I proceeded to act as any intelligent and logical human being would in a similar situation.

"GAAAH! WHAT THE HELL?" Somehow , my words reverberated in the empty space; but I was more concerned with the fact that I had apparently had some sort of mental breakdown in the middle of practice, and was currently in about as much trouble as any one person could be in at the moment.

The Gate slowly started to open, and the many arms of the Gate creatures snaked their way toward me. I stood corrected— **now** I was in trouble.

Even though my human brain knew there was no escape, my lizard brain had other ideas. I turned around, and ran as fast as I could.

I ran.

And I ran.

And after about three seconds, the arms caught me.

In case you've never had this particular experience, allow me to say that being grabbed and lifted by all four of your limbs is among the most panic-inducing things that can happen to you. If the things doing the grabbing happen to be thousands of long, impossibly shaped arms that are controlled by shadow beings intent on doing unknown, but defiantly unwanted, things to you… That's just a bonus.

Within moments, I was mere inches from the Gate, with no sign of stopping. It was only when I felt one of the hands on the side of my mouth that I noticed that I had been screaming the entire time. By reflex, I bit down on the hand. Surprisingly, it drew back, and the others relaxed slightly. Just as I felt like I might have a chance, the hands redoubled their efforts, and brought reinforcements. I was dragged backwards into the Gate.

Oh, and it closed shortly afterwards, leaving me with only glowing red eyes for light. Yay.

Strangely, I didn't feel any pain. Maybe the Gate babies weren't going to take me apart piece by piece like a LEGO building. Maybe it'd be like in fan fiction, where the Gate is just a way of transport, and I'd come out the other side able to use alchemy.

Maybe they're just waiting for me to relax so they can force their way down my throat.

Who thought it would be that last one? If being picked up by your limbs blah-di-da was one of the most panic-inducing experiences, having shadow babies make a dramatic entrance through your pie hole is another. Since I didn't explain what it tasted like when I bit the hand before, I'll do you all a favor and not got into detail on this either. Suffice it to say I'll never eat oysters again, and let's move on.

There was no way I'd be coming back after that, so I decided to give the remaining Gate babies the fight of their life. I started flailing every part of myself that could move, trying to throw the creatures off. Amazingly, I managed to turn my head to the right before it was grabbed again, but it was enough to see something I never expected to see.

There was a girl—couldn't have been much older than myself—to my right, struggling against the same creatures. And she was looking right at me.

Our eyes met, the same surprised expression mirrored in our faces. I didn't know why, but I knew that there was a reason we were within eyesight of each other in a place without light. I started forcing my way toward her, and she did the same.

It felt like years pasted, although I'm willing to bet it took a couple of minutes instead. Either way, we managed to get almost within reach of each other. Literally, our hands were less than an inch away from each other.

The Gate babies had different ideas. My hand was being pulled back, and she was moving farther away again. Gritting my teeth, I redoubled my efforts. It felt like I was pulling against a giant rubber band: if I let up for a second, I'd be pulled back. However, I was making progress again. Drawing on strength I didn't know I had, I broke my arm free from the grasping hands, and my open palm made contact with hers. Reflexively, I clasped her hand, and she did the same.

What happened next was a bit… Odd, to say the least. The Gate babies let go, and for a second it was like we were floating. The next second, we were being pulled in opposite directions. It wasn't the kind of pull the Gate had used, though. This was more like a giant vacuum was pulling me in, and a similar one was pulling her. My arm felt like it was going to pop off, and my fingers were going numb from the stress. Our hands went from being clasped together to holding on with only our fingers, and that was rapidly slipping. I looking her eyes again and saw in her face the same thing that I was thinking.

We weren't going to make it.

I feebly tried to smile, my grin falling flat on its face as the pain overwhelmed my ability to hold on, and our grip was broken.

The last thing I saw was her being sucked into nothingness before I followed suit.

* * *

**Heta~Kasha:** *Hands on his hips* Yep, that's a good place to stop.

**Matthew:** You jerk! You can't stop there! What happens next? We don't even know #SPOILER!#'s name yet!

**Heta~Kasha:** Please read, review, and return for the next installment! Same bat-time, same bat-station!


	2. Episode 2: Who am I?

KingofHeartless'09: Yes, yes you do. ^_^

Still Rated T for Mild Swearing, Cartoon Violence, and one _extremely_ Mild Sudo-Sexual instance (self-grope). If that offends you, don't read it.

Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, not me.

Matthew and Nathanial Lockheed belong to MEEEEEEEEEE!

* * *

When I came to again, the first thing I noticed was that I was alive. Naturally, this pleased me to no end.

The second thing I noticed was that I was in pain. This didn't please me nearly as much.

It was more like the aftermath of an extreme workout than being hit by a 2-by-4, but not by much. My entire body felt sore, and my head pounded. In fact, I'd almost say I had a splitting headac-

Oh god, maybe I am dead.

My hands flew to my skull, all soreness forgotten. A quick search for gaps and/or blood came up with nothing, thankfully. Hair felt kinda off, but I chalked that up to… whatever had happened in the Gate.

Which reminds me, what in Hell's name happened?

I looked around, but saw only blackness. Was I blind? Was I still in the Gate? No, wait. My eyes were closed. I pried one eye open, and the surrounding light happily stabbed my brain through it. The next few minutes involved me slowly adjusting to the light, and muttering a series of sudo-swears. After that, however, I was able to take a look around.

The room wasn't actually that well lit, so I must have been out for a while for my eyes to get that bad. The walls were sheet rock, with one oil lamp on each of the four corners. There was a desk with piles of papers and books stacked on top, a large mirror across from me, and a wooden door next to that.

Oh, and a dead body in front of me. Kind of a big deal.

Now, I'd never had a problem with dead bodies on TV or anything like that. But, having this guy just lying there dead… That's one heck of a way to wake up. I felt like I was frozen in place, my body turned to stone with my eyes focused in on the corpse.

He, the body, looked like he was pretty late in his life, given all of the gray hair and the old suit. His hair was cut short, and his pale face had a short, trimmed beard. He was tall and skinny, like he hadn't eaten for a while before his death. His eyes were closed, thankfully. I think I would've screamed if they were open and staring at me.

I don't know how long it took, but finally I was able to take my eyes off of him. If there was one thing I knew, it was that I had to get out of this room. There was something very wrong, and not just the dead guy. I forced myself to stand, almost falling at least three times.

As I staggered toward the door, I caught a glimpse of someone in the mirror. I turned around, stumbling a few steps back, and readied myself for a fight.

…Only to find nothing. Just the dead body. My mind was playing tricks on me, I guessed as I turned back.

At this time, I was lined up on the mirror instead of the door. What I saw almost knocked me off my feet.

The girl I saw in the Gate was staring at me from the mirror, wearing what looked like a night gown. Now that I could see her clearly, she actually looked pretty cute. She had brown hair that reached her waist, and what looked like blue-ish eyes. If I had to guess, I'd say she was a little older than I was; maybe by a year. Her body wasn't much to look at, though; not that I could see that much through the gown.

I raised an arm to scratch the back of my head. Strangely, she did the same. Her arm followed mine as I lowered it again, and continued to follow it as I waved it up and down.

Oh god, this can't be happening.

I took a step toward her. She did the same.

I pointed a finger at her. She pointed one at me.

I turned sideways. So did she.

There was only one more test. Shakily, I raised my hands until they were level with my chest, keeping my eyes on the girl as she did the same. I felt my face heating, and squeezed my eyes shut as I placed my hands on my chest.

They met with… more squishiness than should be expected from a man. Even worse, I felt my hands over two… lumps that shouldn't have been there. Not hard muscle lumps or strange cancer lumps, but the kind of lumps that should only be found on those with two X chromosomes.

I opened one eye, hoping, praying that would see anything, _anything_ other than what I already knew I'd see.

The girl in the mirror…

Red faced…

Was holding her chest.

Exactly the same as me.

…

I'd like to say I handled the situation calmly and logically. I'd also like to say that immediately afterward, I realized that I was having a dream, and went off to punch a giant flying monkey in the face by the power of rock & roll and friendship.

I'd like to say…

Instead, I just stood there, hands on my chest, looking like you could cook an egg on my face, and staring at what was undeniably me in the mirror. Slowly, I lowered my hands to my sides, and did nothing for a full second.

Then I screamed, followed quickly by not screaming. I couldn't stand that the scream was that of a girl, not a guy. My mind was racing, trying to simply comprehend what in the Seven Mounting Heavens of Celestia was going on.

The sound of door opening snapped my mind back to the here and now. There was someone outside the door; it sounded like they were at the top of some stairs. Now that I was listening, I heard muffled voices. Franticly, I looked around for something to defend myself with. A large, and heavy looking, book caught my eye. I stumbled as quietly as I could over and hefted it in my hands. Yeah, this should do it. I tottered back over to the door, and waited for someone to come through.

* * *

Colonel Roy Mustang tugged his trademark gloves on. Whoever had screamed sounded like she was in trouble, especially the way she was cut off. He'd go in first, with Lieutenant Hawkeye giving him cover—just in case there was more than two dangerous targets inside.

The colonel had come down at the request of Nathanial Lockheed, once known as the Iceheart Alchemist. Nathanial had called him, claiming that he was about to usher in a new age of alchemy. When they had arrived, they had found the door unlocked and no-one around. It wasn't much afterward that they heard the scream.

Mustang put a hand on the doorknob and looked back at his lieutenant. She was ready, with a pistol trained on the door. Roy made a count of three with his fingers, and opened the door.

The first thing he saw was Lockheed's body lying on the ground, unmoving. He took a step into the room, where he quickly saw the second thing—a book on advanced alchemic techniques speeding toward his face.

The next thing he saw was the floor flying up at him.

* * *

I panted, my body not ready for another swing. Only too late had I noticed that the man who had entered was unarmed. I dropped the book, and knelt next to him. As I rolled him over to check his face, I realized that I had smashed a book into the face of no other than Roy Mustang, hero of the Ishbal War, and one of the main characters of Fullmetal Alchemist. His nose was bleeding, but nothing looked broken, so I rolled him on his side so he wouldn't choke on his own blood.

"Crap, crap, crap!" I muttered, panic swiftly returning. "Colonel? You alright?" My voice still felt foreign; a higher pitch than I was use to. "I'm really sorry about that. I didn't mean- that is, I didn't know…" I trailed off, noticing a shadow crossing over Mustang's and my bodies. Very slowly, I turned my head, my panic leveling up to sheer terror as I spotted the pistol butt rushing to meet my face first hand.

Yet again, the world went black. I was starting to really hate it when it did that.

* * *

**Matthew:** ... You really hate me, don't you?

**Heta~Kasha:** Nah, you just had the bad luck to be in my story. It gets better later.

**Matthew:** What, am I crowned King of Awesomeland?

**Heta~Kasha:** Actually, you'd have to be Queen...

**Matthew:** Quee-!

**Roy:** He's got a point, you know.

**Matthew: **... I HATE YOU AAAAALL! *Runs away*

**Heta~Kasha:** Ah, he ran off. Oh well. Read, review, and recommend to your friends!


	3. Episode 3: Tasting and Judgment

**Roy:** What's up with the title?

**Heta~Kasha:** Dunno. Couldn't think of anything.

Thanks Yolea Irk's and KingofHeartless'09!

Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, not me.

Matthew belongs to me. Well, really he's not a slave. Technically.

**Matthew:** So I can leave?

**Heta~Kasha: **No.

* * *

Ah, consciousness. I was starting to think we were on less than friendly terms with each other, what with your rapid exits.

Oh well. At least it was all a dream, and I was safe in my bed. Heh, my brain was really playing tricks on me. In that dream it turned me into a girl. I bet that my subconscious was paying me back for something. I idly scratched my chest with one hand as I stretched the other arm and yawned.

Now, if there was one thing I knew about my body, it was that my chest does not, under normal circumstances, squish. For the second time, I cursed myself for not having opened my eyes first, and carefully opened one eye in a downward glance.

The before mentioned, ehem, _additions_ were still present and accounted for. My face rapidly reddening, I reached up and found a bunch of hair and brought it in front of my face. Blond, not black like it should be, and much longer.

…Craaaaaaaaaaap. It wasn't a dream.

Fortunately, I was beyond screaming at this point. Instead, I started to take stock of my surroundings, looking for anything to tell me that I really was dreaming. A clock, some writing, a pink elephant—the usual.

The room was pretty spartan. Plain white walls, boring but fluffy looking rug, the uncomfortable bed I was sitting on, and two wooden doors. One of the doors was open, and I could see what looked like a white tiled bathroom on the other side.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed. As I'd guessed, the flooring was fluffy. However, a wave of sadness flowed over me: as a guy, my feet would be hanging an inch above the ground on a bed like this. The fact that the only way I could get taller was by being a girl was quite the blow to my ego.

With a sigh, I put my vertical challenges behind me and stood up. It was really obvious now just how short I was compare- No! Stop thinking about it!

As I walked over to the bathroom, I took note of my new dimensions, hoping I wouldn't run into too many things. Once I reached the door, I put myself to the test, putting myself on a collision course with the door frame. I grazed it as I dodged out of the way, which was better than I expected.

Of course, I ran shoulder first into the actual door, so maybe not as good as I thought.

When I reached the sink's mirror, I took a better look at my face. Aside from the slight bruising from before—which twinged in pain at the memory—it was kinda cute. Surprisingly, my eyes were a deep purple instead of the blue I'd thought they were. My hair was ungodly long, reaching the small of my back. I pushed a few arrant strands behind my ear by reflex. This girl must have never gotten a haircut in her life!

Looking at my reflection, I noticed I was no longer wearing the nightgown. Instead, I was clothed in a light blue set of pajamas with the Amestris Military symbol on the right shoulder. A very quick check of the inside of my clothes revealed that my, ahem, undergarments were of a similar color. I tried not to think to hard about how my clothes had changed—my face returned to a slight red tint anyway.

Now, as a young man, I was use to having certain… How should I say…? "_Equipment"._ And of course, this body had a different set of "equipment", as I said before. And again, I was… Well, should be a healthy young man, so I wondered about my current body's "equipment". Since I was alone, now was as good a time as any to-

A short rap on the door of the bedroom caused me to practically fly back to the bed, sheets flung over my head. _"Miss? Are you awake?" _An authoritative female voice floated through the door, followed by the click of it opening. The voice was familiar, and even before I looked, I knew who it was.

I poked my head out from the covers, and my eyes were met with Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye standing in the doorway. I don't feel that I need to describe her appearance, except that she was wearing her usual military attire. "May I come in?" she said, her voice strong, but soft enough so as to not send me back under the covers.

"Y-yes, of course," I stuttered. My bruise was stinging again, and I had the feeling that Hawkeye had something to do with it. "Please, come in." I gathered my wits and attempted a smile as I came out from under the blankets. "I'd offer you a seat, but we seem to be short at the moment."

No smile from the Lieutenant, but her eyes softened slightly. Score one for me. She walked closer, stopping at the midpoint between the bed and the door. I don't blame her; I had taken out her superior officer and potential love interest with a book. I shifted, sitting cross legged on the bed. I had to play dumb. My acting skills were about to be put to the test "What can I do for you, Miss…?"

"Hawkeye," she said, nodding slightly. "I'd like to ask you a few questions about last night."

I looked away, breaking eye contact—just like anyone who was embarrassed about hitting someone by accident. "Sorry about that. I didn't know who it was when I swung. If I knew the military was coming…" I looked back up at her. "I'm not under arrest, am I?"

She shook her head. "Not yet, although striking an officer may cause problems later on. We just need to get some information." She pulled a notepad and pen from a pocket. "First, can you tell me your name?"

"Sure. It's Mat-" I stopped. I'd almost said Matthew, which was in no way a feminine name. I had to think of something, and fast. I stretched, as if yawning. "…tie. Mattie Jones. Sorry, don't know where that came from." I cursed inwardly. There was nothing more suspicious than someone stopping in the middle of a word.

Riza's eyes hardened as she wrote something down. I'd screwed up, and she knew it. "And your age?"

"17. I had my birthday a few months ago."

Another note. "Miss Jones, I'm going to be blunt. Did you have anything to do with the death of Ex-General Lockheed?"

Now that threw me. I was expecting a little more bush-beating before that came up. In this case, I thought parts of the truth would be easier than coming up with a story. "N-no! He was like that when I woke up!" Hawkeye's… well, eyes narrowed in disbelief. "It's the truth!" I continued. "I had fainted before, and when I came to, I was in that room in the middle of the floor."

"I see… And before that?"

I hadn't thought much about that. I couldn't very well tell her I was from another world, so the truth was out. After that was the Gate, and those arms that grabbed me, and the creature that forced their way-

The feeling of past meals working their way up my esophagus gave me more than ample reason to leap from the bed and rush to the bathroom, where I became best friends with the toilet within. I won't go into details about that. The part of my brain that wasn't busy wondering when I had eaten recognized that someone was holding my hair out of my face.

After my stomach had run out of things to throw out, I straightened up slowly. Riza was standing next to me, a small glass of water ready, which I gratefully accepted to rinse the foul taste from my mouth. When I was fully recovered, I brushed a few strands of hair from my face. "Thank you," I said with a smile. "Sorry, I wasn't expecting that. I… I'm afraid I don't remember anything about what happened before I fainted."

Riza nodded and walked back into the bedroom. I followed, my strength slowly returning. When we were back to our previous positions, she spoke. "Get some rest. In a few hours, I'll take you to see the Colonel. He has some questions of his own to ask you." With that, she snapped a salute and left, locking the door after she exited.

I lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Even in the darkest fan fiction I had read, no-one ever had that experience when remembering the Gate. Then again, no-one had the same experience as I did in the Gate. I forced away the feeling of sickness again.

That's right. It finally sunk in that I was really in the Fullmetal Alchemist world. I felt much better after what happened, so I decided to test something.

The test: anyone who enters the FMA universe can use alchemy without a circle. I had read the same thing in almost every fan fiction. Person arrives in FMA, and immediately can use alchemy at some level. It always bugged me how that happened, but at this time, I'd be happy if it was possible.

The bed's frame looked like it was made from steel, so I decided to test on that I slid over to the edge of the bed.

Let's see… Steel's made of Iron and… Carbon, right?

I clapped my hands together, holding them as I closed my eyes and imagined the bed frame twisting into a loop. Once I had the image fully formed, I slammed my hands into the metal frame.

I should've known better. Really, I should have. The bed frame was unharmed, but my hands were sore from impact. I swear I heard something pop. Ow…

I flopped back onto the unchanged bed, cursing myself for being so stupid. Izumi and the Elric's knew how to use alchemy before they saw the Truth. I didn't even know what circle did what, let alone how they worked…

Oh well, not that it mattered. I never was that good at science anyway. I closed my eyes. I had a couple of hours until Colonel Mustard called me in to see if I killed Mr. Boddy in the Basement with the Candlestick, or something like that.

* * *

_I was standing on the porch of my house. Here, it was pitch black, with a lone lamp post out on the street. It was really cold out too, although I guess that had something to do with how I was still wearing the pajamas from when I was awake. Speaking of which, it seemed my subconscious had decided that I'd be a girl in my dream as well. Even when asleep, I couldn't keep my manhood…_

_I heard a car coming. I looked up, expecting to see Dallas' car pull up._

_Instead, a mass of black shadows rushed from the street, headed straight for me. I was frozen where I stood, my body refusing to move. Franticly, I willed myself to wake up, but nothing was happening. Even though I knew I was dreaming, I also knew with the same certainty that I was about to die. Mere feet away from me, hundreds of red eyes boiled out of the shadows…_

* * *

I woke up with a start, sweating like I'd just run a marathon. I was still in the same boring room, staring at the ceiling. I looked around, spotting Lieutenant Hawkeye standing nearby. I swallowed, trying to wet my dry mouth. "G-good morning," I stuttered, wiping the sweat away with the blanket. "Time to go?" I swung my legs over the side of the bed.

Hawkeye nodded, and pointed to a set of clothes lying at the foot of the bed. "These are for you to change into. I assume you don't want to see the Colonel in pajamas. I'll be just outside." As I turned to the clothes, I heard the door click closed.

I grinned; my first real smile in a while. "I dunno. Might be fun to see how he reacts." I chuckled to myself as I looked through the clothes. Luckily, they were a long sleeved brown shirt and black slacks. There was also a pair of sandals hidden under them. Quickly, and with my eyes focused straight ahead, I changed into the new outfit. It fit fairly well, but a little loose. There were a pair of keys in one pocket as well, which was a bit odd.

When I looked in the bathroom mirror, I noticed something poking out of my shirt. When I pulled it out, it was a ribbon about two feet long. I guess it had been put in there by Riza. With practiced skill, I used it to tie my hair back from my face. There, that's better.

One last look at my face, and I turned and walked back to the door. I took a deep breath, and put my hand on the handle.

And got a face full of door when a mass of sparkles burst through it. The door, not my face. Came pretty close, though.

Major Alex Louis Armstrong held the door handle in his hand, probably after using a locked-door-opening technique that was passed down the Armstrong family line for generations. As my brain started coming online again, I gathered that the Major had happened to walk by, and heard that the Lieutenant had left her keys inside. He thought that it meant that she was locked out, and then "helped" the door to open.

What did I do to deserve to be the universe's punching bag?

Luckily, nothing was broken by the glorious technique, so Lieutenant Hawkeye guided me through the hallways while I regained the use of my facial muscles. By the time my reboot was complete, we were standing in front of Roy's office. Just a knock, and we were inside.

* * *

**Matthew:** Now I know you hate me.

**Heta~Kasha:** Lies! Lies and slander! I hurt you 'cause I love you!

**Matthew:** That's... nice.

**Heta~Kasha:** Read, review, and recommend, folks! Peace out!


	4. Episode 4: Deal with the Devil

**Heta~Kasha:** Don't worry, _Yolea Irk's._ He... She... It's still alive!

**Matthew:** I'm not an it! I'm just... Gender challenged!

Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, not me.

Matthew, Nathanial, and Mary-Ann belong to me. Technically, the name Lockheed belongs to both me and Lockheed Corporation.

* * *

Now normally, Roy Mustang, hero of the Ishbal War and Colonel of the Amestris State Alchemists, makes a very imposing figure when seated behind his desk.

Normally, I'd be quite frightened at the thought of being interrogated by someone who could turn me into ashes with a snap of his fingers.

But normally, such a figure doesn't have his nose in a case. I guess I hit him with that book pretty hard.

It took all the willpower I had to keep from bursting out in hysterical laughter. Instead, only a snort snuck its way past my defenses, which I quickly covered by coughing. It wasn't the best cover, but Roy didn't seem to notice. Instead, he waved a hand for me to sit down, which I did.

"Miss Jones," Mustang said, leaning back in his chair. His voice was a little nasally, but that was to be expected. I coughed again. "The lieutenant has told me what you told her, but I'd like to hear it from you personally. What do you remember about what happened before you were in the basement of Nathanial Lockheed's house?"

All humor instantly forgotten, I straightened slightly in my seat. "I already told your lieutenant. I don't remember."

Roy leaned forward, resting his chin in his hands and his elbows on the desk. "Are you sure? You don't remember killing the Ex-Colonel in cold blood, then?"

That nearly made me fall out of my chair. "What? No! Absolutely not!" I sat back up, straightening my shirt by reflex.

"I see… Mattie, where were you a week ago?"

I swallowed hard. "I… was at a friend's house. She lives in the city."

"And the week before that?"

"I spent the day shopping for clothes. Why?"

Roy's eyes hardened. "Those are both lies, and so is your name."

Crap, the jig is up.

Roy continued, opening a file on his desk. "Your name is Mary-Ann Lockheed. You're Ex-General Nathanial Lockheed's only daughter. You're 17 years old as of the beginning of this year. Two weeks ago, you were in the hospital because of chest pains from an unknown source. And most importantly, one week ago, you were buried in the Howe cemetery. Death caused by heart failure."

Now, being told that you're dead is an experience not often found in normal life, and my stomach started to do little flips and barrel rolls. Granted, my life wasn't exactly normal anymore, but it was still a bit weird to think I was buried…

Wait. I'm not dead. And I'm sitting right here. More importantly, my goose was being cooked by the Barbeque Alchemist himself. "I-I don't know what you're-"

"Like hell you don't." Roy stood up, and started walking around the desk. "I was at young Miss Lockheed's funeral. There's no way you could be sitting there without an explanation, so tell me," he placed a hand on the back of my chair,"just who the hell are you?"

Now, I could've lied, saying anything and everything to keep from being caught. I could've told the truth, that I was a guy in this girl's body. I could've said or done anything.

Instead, I simply said "I'm gonna hurl," and ran to the waste basket to blow chunks.

After spending a few minutes thanking the gods that the waste basket was solid metal—and trying to figure out where my stomach was hiding everything that it was now expelling—I had recovered to the point that I could pull away from the can. Roy was reseated behind his desk, no longer looking silly. Instead, he had the same look he had Ed had pointed the spear at the Fuhrer. Whatever I told him, he'd have something to further his goals.

"Well, young lady?" Roy said, his voice deadly serious. At this point, I had nothing to lose.

In a rush, I told Roy and Riza everything I knew. About how I'd come through the Gate, how I'd seen this Mary-Ann inside, and what happened when I came too. When I came to how I knew about this world, I tried to explain how the creator of FMA might know, but in the end Riza told me to come back to it later. The colonel let me talk, interrupting only for clarification. By the end of it, I felt better that someone knew.

There was silence for a few minutes. "So…" I looked up at Roy, "you believe me, right?"

The colonel looked into my eyes. "Should I? If what you say is true, you should know who I'm going to act, right?"

I shook my head. "I've no idea what's in your head." I held up my hand. "If I have to guess, I'd say you have two choices. One," I raised a finger, "you turn me into the military or medical community, furthering your standing the same way you would by turning in the Elrics. Or two," I raised a second finger, "you keep me under your leash, same are the Elrics."

That got Roy's eyebrow to rise, so I continued. "In exchange for letting my try and find a way home, you get a new pawn—one with intimate knowledge of the future."

"And what keeps me from just getting that knowledge from you?" Roy asked with a grin.

I returned with a smirk. I'd had conversations like this with Serra. "To do that, you'd have to torture me; and we both know torture only works if your target thinks you'll kill them. With the information I've got, you can't afford to do that." My smile widened. "And now that I think of it, you can't turn me over to the military, 'cause I'll tell them about your plan to become Fuhrer. I don't think that'd go over well with the higher ups, right? So," I stood up and leaned on his desk, holding a hand out, "when do we start, boss?"

Roy's smile fell for a few moments, and my heart was stopped. My knowledge of the future depended on everything happening the same as it did in the series, anime or manga. The moment something changed, my worth went down from "seer of the future" to "kid to be taken apart". On top of that, I'd probably say anything if actually threatened with torture. I held my ground, though, and forced my face to stay in a position of cocky assurance.

Roy stood up and took my hand, his smile returned. "You start today. As of this moment, Mattie Jones is a contracted adviser to the Amestris military, East HQ, under Colonel Roy Mustang."

My heart soared, beating rapidly to make up for the gap. I didn't have to worry about the military, and Roy was on my side—kinda.

Wait a tick. "Mattie Jones?" I pulled my hand back and stood up straight. "You know that isn't my name, right?"

Roy sat back in his seat, his smile now unbearably smug. "Well, 'Matthew' isn't exactly a girl's name, is it? And you can't go by 'Mary-Ann Lockheed', since she's dead. This is the best way to keep your identity secret."

I sweat-dropped, or would have had this been the anime. Instead, I did my best impression of a fish, opening and closing my mouth as I tried to form an argument against using that name.

…I came up with nothing, so I thanked my lucky stars that I hadn't chosen something like "Matilda". "R-right. Of course. 'Mattie' it is." I forced myself back together and smiled. "So, what's my first job? Babysitting the Fullmetal Alchemist? Carrying letters to your dates? Or maybe playing Shogi with Breda?"

"Whatever you want." Roy shuffled some papers on his desk. "As long as you let me know where to reach you, and don't get yourself in trouble. Same rules as Edward has, without the laws of the military or as a State Alchemist. You probably wouldn't agree at anything that won't help you get your body back anyway."

I nodded. "You got that right."

Riza finally spoke up. "So, what's your plan?"

I already knew what I needed to do, as much as I knew I'd regret it. "If the Gate is involved, I need to learn how to use Alchemy. To do that, I need a teacher."

I swallowed hard, sweat from fear starting to dot my face. "I… I need to go to Dublith."

* * *

**Heta~Kasha:** Yatta! Update!

**Matthew:** Why do I have to learn from her? Can't I just learn from a book like Ed and Al?

**Heta~Kasha:** You're not smart enough to do that. Now man up or I'll beat you with my peace prize!

**Roy: **Can I take this cast off now?

**Heta~Kasha: **Read, Review, and Recommend! Also, look out for any new stories that should be showing up soon! Remember, you heard it here first!


	5. Episode 5: Even a Coin has Two Sides

**Heta~Kasha:** Man, that title had more meaning when I started... Meh.

**Edward:** I finally show up! Woo~!

**Matthew:** I only suffer minor wounds! Woo~!

Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, not me.

Matthew belongs to meeeeeeee!

The "Uglier" line belongs to my friend, who goes by Freazen here. Blame him, not me.

* * *

Over the next week, the colonel sent me out with Hawkeye, promising to have my papers and transportation ready at the end. While I was out, I was to purchase anything I needed for my journey.

In other words, I was sent to go shopping for clothes.

Fortunately, I was able to buy some simple, and gender neutral, clothes. Riza wasn't the type to want to "prettify" a girl; thank god.

When we passed a gun shop on the third day, however, she pulled me inside. "What're we doing?" I asked, wondering if she was just here to drool over the newest rifle or whatever. I was never big on guns.

So imagine my surprise when she gets a package from the man behind the counter and hands it to me. Even more surprise when we get back to the base and I unwrap it to find a small pistol waiting for me. I like to think that my face showed the lieutenant exactly how confused I was.

"It's a Hopper .32 Hold-Out Special," she stated, forcing it into my hand. "Low weight and recoil, in exchange for a lower fatality rate. Starting today, you'll learn how to use it." I opened my mouth to argue, but she held up a hand. "I know you think you'll be fine, but you don't know alchemy yet. Besides, it's orders from the colonel."

So, later that day, I was in the military firing range with my new gun in hand, and a paper target across from me. Riza showed me the proper way to hold it, told me what to expect, and pointed me at the target. I took a deep breath, and squeezed off a shot.

The good news is that I hit the target dead center. The bad news is that it was one set up for someone else. The worse news is that my grip slipped, and my hand smacked me in the face. Guns: 2, Me: 0.

Another shot, and the bullet lodged in the covering above me. Splinters rained down on my head. Guns: 3.

Third shot hit the target in the groin. I winced, despite lacking… never mind. Me: 1.

Over all, every third or fourth bullet hit the target, with the rest being more dangerous to the surroundings. By the end of the day, my arm felt like it had been run over. I stumbled back to my room and slept the sleep of the dead—or at least someone who wished they were.

The remaining days followed a similar pattern: wake up, breakfast, gun range, check out the city, lunch, gun range, back to HQ, bug the Colonel, gun range, dinner, and sleep. I was so tired that I never noticed exactly when I had gotten use to my new body. By the last day, I was almost looking forward to getting killed by Izumi Curtis. Almost. I still wanted to try and learn alchemy, so I couldn't check out yet.

About noon, Roy called me to his office. When I entered the small waiting room where the Mustang gang hung out, my mind was blown yet again.

Edward Elric was sitting in a chair, a bored look on his face, and one overly tall shoe on a desk.

I stood in the doorway for a few moments doing my best to keep my jaw from hitting the floor. Ed looked up at me, and I felt my mouth working and trying to make sounds.

"F-Fullmetal," I managed to croak. He looked pretty cool de-animated.

Ed stood, brushing some dirt from his pants. "Yeah? You want something?" He also seemed kind of young; and not just because of the height.

My fish impression made a comeback. A thought forced its way into my brain: I was supposed to be a normal resident of the Fullmetal Alchemist world. Quickly, I searched my brain for something "normal" to say.

I pointed at him. "You really are that short!" I shouted.

While I knew it was bad idea to push that particular button right now, it was the best I had. Besides, at least I'd die amused. I braced myself for the rant.

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE NEEDS WEIGHTS TO KEEP FROM GETTING BLOWN AWAY BY A PASSING BREEZE!"** I felt my hair flutter from the shout, and took a step back. Ed had never killed someone from being called short, but he did knee that bandit on the train. Speaking of him, he started to rush at me, Automail fist cocked and ready to do to me what I had done to Roy. I squeezed my eyes shut and shielded my face with my arms, waiting for the pain.

It never came. Instead, I was lifted from my feet by a powerful and hard arm. I opened my eyes to find myself slung over the metal arm of the younger Elric, and a look over my shoulder showed Edward being held off by Alphonse's other hand.

"Lemme at her, Al!" Ed flailed his arms, looking like a half-metal windmill. I stifled a snigger.

Al sighed. It was kinda weird hearing it echo in the armor, but oh well. "Big brother, you really need to learn how to control your temper." He lowered me to the ground, still holding Ed off. "Are you alright, miss?"

I blinked, looking up at the helmet. It was hard to imagine someone so young being trapped in that armor. "Y-yeah. I'm fine. Thanks… Alphonse, right?" I still had to play dumb with these two.

The armor nodded. "I'm surprised. Most of the time people confuse me for Edward."

"Heh, well, it wasn't that hard. The Fullmetal's famous temper was a dead giveaway." I smiled, holding out my hand. "Mattie Jones, Colonel Mustang's contracted adviser. Nice to meetcha."

Alphonse shot a look at Ed, who stopped flailing, and shook my hand. "It's nice to meet you, miss Jones."

"It's… just Mattie, please. I hate that 'miss' stuff." Really, I still hadn't gotten use to being called 'miss'. In an attempt at peace, I offered my hand to Ed. "Truce?"

Ed snorted, ignoring my offered hand. "I didn't think the military hired civilian advisers. What's the Colonel got on you?"

I retracted my hand, noticing that Ed had to look up slightly to look at my face. "He's got nothing I can't counter, thank you very much." I smirked. "I was just on my way to see him when you attacked."

Ed bristled. "You provoked me! And we were here to turn in a report."

We glared at each other for a second. I knew what was coming next—I'd done it with Dallas a number of times. Roy's gang had pulled to opposite sides of the room, any breakables safe in hand. The moment I saw Edward break eye contact, I turned and dashed for the Colonel's door. "To the victor go the spoils!" I shouted over my shoulder. The race was on.

I vaulted over the desk Ed had been resting his feet on. I landed, stumbling for a second as I regained my balance and took off again. A flash of golden hair to my left let me know I had only milliseconds on the Fullmetal Alchemist. I weaved around a chair, poring on whatever reserves of speed I had. The door was almost within grasp.

A sharp tug on the back of my head sent me skidding into a desk. I slid gracelessly across on my face, landing in a heap on the other side. Ed stopped nearby, a grin on his unmarred face. "What's the matter? Spoiled already?" I sneered, grabbing his flesh leg and pulling. The two of us tumbled around on the floor, limbs flailing.

Finally, we managed to untangle our limbs and actually see what was going on. I had somehow gotten on top of him, with my hands on either side of his head. Realizing how… compromising our situation was, we both blushed and scrambled away from each other. "H-how about we both enter the office at the same time?" I stuttered, picking myself up and redoing my ponytail.

"Right," Edward said, turning his head away as he stood. We both looked at the door, and I'm sure our expressions were similar when we saw Alphonse standing by the door, arms crossed and looking as stern as… well, as a suit of armor can look. There, I said it.

"If you two are done, can we see the Colonel now?" he said, his voice surprisingly hard. We both nodded and walked to the door. Each of us entered through opposite sides of the double door.

Ed froze in the door suddenly. I stopped and looked back at him. I followed his gaze to Roy, who still had the nose cast. _"Ooh, there's no good ending for this,"_ I thought, closing my eyes.

The Fullmetal's voice echoed in the smaller room. "Holy crap, you got uglier!"

There was silence for a full second. Then I completely lost it, and broke down into hysterical laughter. I managed to calm myself down and seat myself in one of the chairs, but still had giggle fits every time I looked at Roy for a few minutes.

Mustang looked between the three of us. "I guess I'm lucky you all decided to enter at once. I was going to talk to all of you anyway. Fullmetal, I assume you've met Mattie Jones?"

He nodded. "I'd say our meeting hit the ground running." I dissolved into another fit of giggles that were promptly ignored by the Colonel.

"That's good." Roy crossed a leg over the other behind his desk. "Mattie's quite the fan of yours, Fullmetal. In fact, she wants to meet your teacher." Ed shot me a look that combined horror, distrust, and "are-you-insane". "You're headed to the South on your search, right?"

Ed crossed his arms, looking suspicious. "Yeah, but what's that got to do with-"

Mustang cut him off. "Perfect. Take Jones with you." He saw the horror in Ed's face and Al's… helmet. "You don't have to take her right up to your teacher's door step. Just take her as far as you can without going too far out of your way." He smiled, and a collective shiver went down our backs. "You can take that time to get to know each other better."

I don't know about how Ed felt, but I was pretty excited. I mean, it wasn't everyday that you got to go on a field trip with the hero of your favorite story. I looked at Ed with a grin. "Common, Eddie; it'll be fun! I get to learn about you two's adventures, and you get to hear about my history!" My expression changed to that of a begging puppy's. "Pwease, mistah Elwic?"

Edward sighed. "One, never call me 'Eddie' again. Second, never look at me like that again." My face snapped back to normal, with a smile. "Finally, you don't ask for any favors. We leave first thing tomorrow, so be ready. The train passes through Dublith. You can get out there." He stopped as I raised a hand. "What is it now?"

"Can you pay for my fair, Eddikins? And maybe give me money so I don't end up in a ditch covered in gas on fire?"

"What'd I say about favors? And don't call me Eddikins!"

My turn to sigh. "Fine." I turned on my "he's-poking-me-mom" voice. "Roooooooy…"

Roy passed me a checkbook. "Since you're playing the child, I think it's fitting that you have an allowance. 62500 cenz a month for living expenses, in your name." My eyes widened at the sheer amount of money. Although, Sig Curtis was selling meat for about 300 cenz, wasn't he? I guess a cenz was equal to a yen, so about 80 cenz to the dollar? Which would be about… 750 bucks, give or take. I could live on that.

"Thanks Colonel," I stood and saluted with a smile before turning to Edward. "I'll expect you to wake me up, or get someone to do it. Smell ya later, Eddison!" I walked out of the room. Aside from going toward death by crazy teacher, I felt pretty good!

* * *

**Edward:** ... _Eddikins?_

**Matthew: **I like it. Don't you, Eddikins?

**Edward: **My name. Is not. Eddikins.

**Heta~Kasha:** Down, you two. Read, Review, and Recommend!

**Matthew: **Eddikins! Eddikins!

**Edward:** I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

...

**Heta~Kasha:** Suprise and Terror! This chapter marks the first Spiritual Hicup Omake! Enjoy this non-canon randomness!

* * *

Mustang looked between the three of us. "I guess I'm lucky you all decided to enter at once. I was going to talk to all of you anyway. Fullmetal, I assume you've met Mattie Jones?"

He nodded. "I'd say our meeting" Ed reached into his coat and pulled out a pair of sunglasses, "…hit the ground running."

I leapt from my seat and shouted "YEAAAAAAAH!" 'Don't Get Fooled Again' started playing in the background, and suddenly the screen cut to an image of Miami in the sunset.

*THE REST OF THIS OMAKE HAD BEEN REMOVED IN ORDER TO AVOID POSSIBLE LAWSUITS*


	6. Episode 6: Unless it's a Farm!

**Heta~Kasha:** Ahem... Gentlemen?

**Matthew:** I thought that TF2 was just for the opening chapter?

**Heta~Kasha: **Not anymore. Just FYI: there's a Point of View change in the chapter. Don't get too thrown off by it.

Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, not me.

Matthew belongs to the awesome me!

Team Fortress 2 belongs to Valve, and for that I am grateful. Hmm, shoulda said that in the first chapter too... Don't sue me!

* * *

Tomorrow came quickly, and the sun rose over the compound of East HQ.

I, on the other hand, rolled over and covered my head with the blankets, ignoring the alarm trying to drill through my ears. Finally, I gave up and resigned myself to the inevitable.

I tossed the alarm against the far wall, silencing it once and for all. That'll show it.

Hey, I'm not a morning person. Okay? Okay.

Anyway, I was happily slipping back into slumberland, when a knock at the door jerked me back. "Go 'way…" I half shouted, covering my head with the pillow. Despite my completely natural plea, the door clicked open. "Unless someone's bleeding or there's a bug on my blanket, I don't wanna hear it."

"Miss Jones? It's Alphonse. Alphonse Elric."

I poked my head out of the pillow, opening one eye to confirm this intruder's identity. "Yes. Yes you are." I pulled my head back under. "Don't you know it's rude to interrupt someone when they're sleeping?"

I could practically hear him sweat-drop. "Uhh, you said you wanted someone to wake you up, so…"

Oh yeah, I said that. The events of yesterday came back, including the teasing of the older Elric. That was gonna bite me later. "Right, got it. Check my clock 'n tell me what time it is while I take care of my head, m'kay?" I threw the covers off, revealing a similar set of pajamas as I'd been wearing all week to bed. I padded to the bathroom and started to comb the knots out of my hair. I'd dealt with long hair more or less my whole life, but I'd never grown it as long as this body. "Oh, and knock off the 'miss' crap. I told you, it's just Mattie."

"Right mi- Err, Mattie." I heard him clank over to the wall, and remembered my destruction of the alarm. I waited for the inevitable question…

"Umm, Mattie?" I flinched and smiled sheepishly as Al leaned around the doorframe, alarm remains in one hand. "What… happened to this?"

"Oh…" I leaned closer, pretending to take a better look. "It's a bit hard to read like that, isn't it?"

Al nodded. "I don't think I'm going to be able to get an accurate time from this…"

I rubbed the back of my head. "Ehh, well… I have… Sleep Panic Disorder! If I hear a loud enough noise, my body tries to get rid of it." Partially true, but it was more of slamming the snooze button taken to the extreme than a disorder. I ended up having to get one of those clocks that runs away to keep from trashing it.

Alphonse looked suspicious—but he let it go. I knew there was a reason I liked him. I finished washing up and dressing while Al got the time from a passing guard. Luckily enough, by the time I was dressed and he got back, it was time to meet up with Edward.

I had packed the night before, so I was all ready to go. I also had a notebook that Roy had given me. He said it was to record my findings while I was away, but I think it was just him being a softie. I patted my side pocket, making sure the checkbook was inside it, and we were off.

While we walked to the meeting place—the train station—I managed to make small talk with Al. From what I was able to gather, it was about three months before they would go to Lior for the first time. Or Reole. Or Liore. Or however you spell it. Unimportant.

Anyway, I now had a suitable idea of how far away I was from the proverbial biological waste hitting the spinning air mover. Or in layman's terms: the crap hitting the fan.

The rest of the talk was just filler, and mostly stuff that I already knew and had to pretend was new. I did learn that no-one had ever made fun of Ed's name before, which was kind of surprising. I guess it was up to me to start. I pulled out the notebook and started writing names starting with "Ed" down. Fortunately for Edward, we arrived at the train station before I could come up with anything really good.

Speaking of the Fullmetal, he was impatient as usual. As we neared, he glared at me, as if something were my fault. "'Bout time you showed up, _Miss Jones_." The emphasis was deliberate, and we both knew it.

I think I might have made an impression on him, and not the good kind.

"I wasn't aware that we were late, _Edmond_." I dropped my bag next to Ed's, meeting his glare. "Did you get me a ticket? Or will I have to hide in the luggage car like a common criminal?"

I didn't like the smile Ed got after I said that, but he gave me a ticket anyway. "Come on." Ed lifted his bag and turned toward the train. "If we don't get on now, we won't get good seats." Without another word, he started walking to the train.

I picked up my own bag, grinning widely. "We're goin' on a traaaain," I said in a sing-song voice. "We're goin' on a traaaaain." It was worth it to see the great Fullmetal Alchemist facepalm as he stepped into the car.

Plus I got a window seat, so the awesomeness of the trip pretty much doubled.

* * *

_**Point of View Change**_

__

_**

* * *

**_

"_-y M-th-w. Re-y -sh yo-'d -ak- -p."_

Parts of words filtered through my mind. I couldn't move or feel anything. I couldn't even see. I could hear a little bit, apparently, but only enough to know that I couldn't understand it. I tried to force my body to move, fighting tooth and nail against the oppression of icy blackness. It felt like years, but I felt like my arm moved.

"_Wa-t. D-d yo- s-e tha-? H- ha-d m-ed!"_

Sweet success! My hearing was clearing up, and I was starting to regain some feeling in my body.

To say "it hurt like hell" would be a massive understatement. The only word I can use to describe it would be "!". However, it seemed that pain worked where will had failed, and a whimper forced its way out of my mouth.

"_There! You heard that, right? Get the doctor, now! Hurry!"_

The pain had lessened to an omnipresent ache, and for the first time I noticed that my eyes had flown open from it. Things were blurry, but my brain dully recognized the shape of a face in front of me. A smaller blurry shape—I assume it was a mouth—moved, and the voice returned.

"Thank the maker! You're awake!" My body was pulled into an awkward hug, confirming my assumption that it was a girl. "You've been out for almost four days. We thought you'd never wake up. I tell you, I've never been happier to be wrong."

I forced my voice to work proper. It felt like a brass spike was being forced down my throat, but I managed to croak out "thought I was dead," before I couldn't make another sound.

The face hardened into a more solid form. Light brown hair, brown eyes, sharp features. She was crying, but I'd never seen her before. Before I knew it, she was hugging me again, only this time it hurt. "Ow," I croaked again.

The girl pulled away. "Sorry! I didn't mean to- I mean, sorry about that! It's just that I didn't know if-"

A door opened, and a man in a doctor's coat walked in. Behind him was a tall boy, but I couldn't make out much more than that. "See!" Must have been the boy, "I told you! Awake and everything."

The doctor crossed his arms, and a half smile crossed his face. "Well I'll be darned. Guess you can't keep a good man down, no matter what. Alright you two, get outta here. I'll call you when we're sure it's permanent." The doctor sat down next to me as the girl stepped backwards away from me. I felt blackness creeping into the corners of my vision, but this time like falling asleep.

"_Don't worry," _the girl's voice said from a million miles away. _"I'm sure you'll be up and about in no time at all, Matthew."_ I let myself slip into sleep.

Wait, Who? They must be mistaken. My name is Mary-Ann Lock-…

* * *

**Heta~Kasha:** Ta-da!

**Matthew:** Wait, I thought she died?

**Heta~Kasha:** *Passes a note to Mary-Ann*

**Mary-Ann:** Umm... "I got better"?

**Edward:** Why do you hate me so much?

**Heta~Kasha:** Because I'm giving Matthew a break. Read, Review, and Recommend!

**Matthew:** ...Eddikins.


	7. Episode 7: Can't Defeat CommonSense Man

**Heta~Kasha: **Guess who?

**Matthew: **Is it you?

**Heta~Kasha:** That's right! You're good at this game!

**Matthew:** ...

Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, not me.

Matthew, Mary-Ann, and all other original characters belongs to me! Not you!

* * *

_Mary-Ann's Point of View_

When I opened my eyes again, I was in a normal bedroom. The ceiling was painted a dull gray, and whatever the walls were painted, they were covered with bookshelves and posters. Sitting next to my bed was the same girl from before; the one who'd called me 'Matthew'.

Immediately, I sat up. I had intended to leap out of bed, but a stabbing pain in my stomach kept me from doing anything more than double over. "Oh god," I groaned, clutching my middle. It was like every organ in my body had been tied up in knots, only the knots were made of snakes. And fire. And the fire was made of snakes.

"Here, drink this." In an instant, the girl was by my side, helping my drink something. It tasted like orange juice mixed with something unbearably bitter, but I managed to choke it down. "The medicine should help with the pain," the girl was saying. "Your da- I mean, Doc Jones said it'll taste like the back of a toad covered with soap and coated with disappointment and broken dreams, but you'll feel better afterward."

I coughed a laugh. "Doctor Jones has a unique sense of humor." The pain in my stomach was lessening quickly, and for that I was happy. "Where am I?"

The girl looked confused, then… not really angry, but more disappointed. "Really Captain Flickie? Amnesia? That's the best you can do?" She pinched my ear, half playful and half painful. "You may've been in a coma for 3 days, but that doesn't mean you get to resort to poorly crafted jokes like that." She released my ear, and I tried to rub the feeling back into it.

"I'm not joking. Where am I, and what do you mean three days?" I poked her in the chest, now quite annoyed that my distress was being taken as some joke. "And I'll have you know, my name is not 'Matthew'. It's Mary. Mary-Ann Lockheed, sole daughter of the once General Nathanial Lockheed, the Iceheart Alchemist."

"Daughter? Oh come on. You'd better recheck yourself before you continue with that story, buster. Matthew Walker Jones has always been, is currently, and will always be a man. Now drop the act, shorty, before you make a fool out of yourself."

I felt my face starting to grow red from anger. Distracted by the growing rage, I grabbed the girl's hand, growled "Does this feel like a man?", and pressed the hand against my chest.

There was silence for several seconds, and during that time I made two very distinct observations. One, my voice was much deeper than it normally was, and two, there was no feeling coming from where the hand should of landed. My face still red—but from a different emotion—I dropped her hand and turned away. Keeping my back to the girl, I pulled the waistband of the sweatpants I was in away and…

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH?"

Before I could scream, as I wanted to do in such a situation, the girl spun me around and slapped her hand over my mouth. A few seconds of wide eyed silence passed before I heard footsteps outside the bedroom door. From beyond the door, an older woman's voice echoed. "You two alright in there?"

The girl looked into my eyes in a way that somehow translated as 'if-you-make-one-false-step-I'll-gut-you', so I wisely decided to try and keep my mouth shut. "We're fine, Mrs. Jones! Matthew was just surprised by-"

I saw her face fall as she searched for an excuse. Quickly, I pulled her hand away from my mouth. "I couldn't believe that I was out for three days!" Now that I was aware of my… changes, I noticed my voice was deeper.

The voice, Mrs. Jones I guess, responded. "Oh, Matthew! You're awake! I thought the scream was a girl for a second." I opened my mouth to respond, but the girl shot me another look. "Your father said that you'd open your eyes sometime today. Hang on; I'll bring you something to eat. You must be starving after three days. Be right back!" Footsteps retreated down what sounded like a hallway.

The girl let out a sigh of relief. "Good thing you stepped in there. My brain went completely blank. Now," Her face turned serious and she sat back in her chair, "What the hell's wrong with you? You act like you've never seen a wiener before."

I blushed hard at the upfrontness of this girl whose name I didn't even know yet. "I-I-I have! I mean, on other people! I mean-!" My blush worsened even more as I mangled my speech perfectly. "What I'm saying is it's not mine!"

"What? Is it someone else's? Did they switch it at the hospital?"

"That's not what I meant! I mean- A girl shouldn't have…"

A small smile crept across the girl's face. "Nuts? Or are you talking about mini-me?"

I quickly turned my face away to hide that I was blushing so hard I thought my cheeks would bruise. "A-a girl shouldn't talk like that. It's so embarrassing."

There was silence for a few seconds. When I looked back, the girl was completely stunned; as if I'd said something extremely odd. She opened and closed her mouth several times without sound. Suddenly, she grabbed both of my shoulders rather hard, and stared directly into my eyes.

"Who are you," she whispered, her voice even but carrying a steely edge, "and what the hell are you doing in Matthew's body?"

I started to smile. "Finally! You believe me-"

"Make no mistake; if you've hurt him in any way, I shall visit upon you a reckoning the likes of which you have never dared to dream of."

I shrugged out of her grip, putting as much space between me and the girl as I could. "D-d-d-don't worry! I'm sure he's just fine!" Holy crap, this girl was freaking insane!

Say, could it be? "Umm, miss?" I was ready to dive off the bed to avoid anything she threw at me. "This Matthew… Is he your boyfriend?"

Honestly, I didn't think that someone could choke on their own spit AND spray it on someone else.

"Boyfriend? No way! Sure, he's a boy. And we're friends. But it's not like we're a couple or anything." She perked up, remembering something while I wiped my face on the blanket. "That's right. If you're not Matt, then you have no clue who I am; do you?" I shook my head. "Right. Serrasvelta Gorski, but everyone just calls me Serra. You said you're name's Marian, right?"

I smiled slightly, shocked at how fast this girl- Serra could change moods. "It's Mary-Ann, actually. Mary-Ann Lockheed."

"Well Mary-Ann, you're gonna tell me everything you can remember regarding why you're in Matthew's body. Starting with where you came from."

Just then, there was a knock at the door. "Kids! Food's ready!"

* * *

_Matthew's Point of View_

I was surprised to arrive in Dublith without much drama. I had expected that every time the Elric brothers got on a train, it got hijacked by bandits or revolutionaries or monkeys with guns.

Instead, all I had was a bump on my head from when a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors got a little out of hand, my luggage, and a note from Edward that I was to give to Izumi when I saw her. Frankly, I was a tad shocked that Ed had written me a letter of introduction. I had expected that he's let me walk in blind and get my butt royally whooped.

Although, he'd said not to read the letter, so maybe he wasn't as much of an angel as I thought.

Anyhow, I shouldered my bag and pocketed the letter as I walked into the town of Dublith, filled with excitement and otaku joy.

My stomach, however, did not share my interest in being in a situation many FMA fans would give their eyeteeth for. Instead, it directed my body toward a street stall selling meatballs on a stick. In the back of my mind, a part of me was laughing its head off over the fact that my first purchase from my military funded allowance was food, and not information or books or maybe even my own jet made of love and unicorns.

As I walked through the streets, I realized that I had no idea how to actually get to Izumi's house or their shop, which made finding them more difficult. After thinking hard—and buying a cookie about as wide as my head (have I mentioned I love stalls?)—I started asking people the way to the Curtis meat shop, figuring that it would make more sense for someone to look for beef and chicken than alchemy training and a one way ticket to bruise city, Amestris.

I got directions from several people, but they all assumed that I knew my way around the town, so I took to just asking one person at every couple of minutes if I was going the right direction. Finally, I arrived outside of the dreaded meat shop, where dreams were chopped up and hopes were- Oh, who am I kidding; this was going to be awesome, in spite of all the pain.

After hesitating for almost 3 minutes, I opened the door. First thing I saw was the back of a mountain of a man with a blood stained cleaver, chopping what I chose to believe was part of a pig. I cleared my throat, only part of me actually wishing to be heard.

The rest of me was very disappointed when the unmistakable bulk of Sig Curtis turned around, cleaver in hand. "Hmm? You want something?" It was like someone put a bear in an apron…

"H-h-h-h-hello, M-m-m-m-mister Curtis?" My tongue stumbled over the words as it fought the urge to abandon ship. "I w-w-w-was hoping I could see M-m-m-miss Izumi?" That, and to run away was fast as my legs would take me.

"You don't have to be scared of him," a voice called from the back room. The equally unmistakable—and equally frightening—Izumi Curtis stepped into view from behind her husband. "Well, you wanted to talk to me, right? What is it, kid?"

The part of me wanted to run away was starting to make a valid point, mostly revolving around remaining alive and not dying from the training from hell, but I gave it no heed. Instead, I dropped to my knees and bowed so that my forehead hit the ground with a thud. "Please make me your alchemy apprentice!"

Had I known that she'd kick me across the shop, I wouldn't have eaten so much before arriving. As it was, I was sent flying head over heels to land in a heap by the wall.

"I don't take students!" Izumi said, her voice raised while I looked at her from my upside-down position. "Now get out of here before I throw you out." With that, she walked into the back of the shop.

I picked myself up, brushing some dust from my pants and sleeves. I knew that I couldn't stop here, as much as my aching ribs would like to, so a dropped my bag on the floor and walked to the entrance way into the back room. As I passed Sig, his large meaty hand grabbed my shoulder and forced me to a stop. I looked him in the eye, a silent exchange passing between us. After a few seconds, his grip loosened, and his other hand gave me a thumb up; one that I returned with the same deadpan expression he gave me. I passed through the curtain.

…And ducked as a kitchen knife buried itself in the entryway. I doubted very much that she had missed by accident. "Would you stop trying to kill me and let me explain myself?" I shouted. There was silence for several seconded as my life passed before my eyes. "Err, what I meant was-"

"Kids" Izumi interrupted, "you'd better have a very good reason for wanting to be my student. Otherwise, you're going to regret every word of that outburst."

Now I was in trouble. If I didn't come up with the perfect excuse, she was gonna have my guts for garters; then where would our story be? Like a bolt of non-deadly lightning, I remembered my secret weapon: the letter Edward had written. Quickly, I searched my pockets for the note, and after finding it, handed it to Izumi. Of course, after she had it in her hands, I retreated back to the entryway.

As Izumi read the letter, I searched her face for any hints as to my fate. Now I wished that I'd taken a peek at its contents, because I wasn't getting anything from her. Finally, she spoke, without looking up from the paper. "So you really want to learn alchemy from me, huh?" I nodded furiously, stopping only because I started getting dizzy.

Izumi pocketed the letter. "There's a guest room at the house you can stay in. Tomorrow, we'll find out if you can handle the kind of training I'd be giving you." My spirits soared, my face brightening enough to start generating its own light. "Until then, you stay back here and take care of the dishes." A small smile crossed her face. "It's not like you can just sit on your hands the entire time."

I looked at the pile of used knives, cleavers, and cutting boards piled in the sink. I swallowed, trying to wet my currently dry throat. "Th-they'll be cleaner than when you first bought them when I'm done!" I said, my bravado returning as well as my senses. I rolled my sleeves up while walked past Izumi, and started washing like I'd never washed before. Maybe this wasn't going to be a bad as I thought?

* * *

**Heta~Kasha: **Ahh, optimism. How sweet.

**Mary-Ann:** You're a horrible person.

**Matthew: **You get use to it after a while.

**Heta~Kasha:** Enjoy this Omake, made just for you! Yes, I'm talking about you on the laptop, sitting on the couch! I see you~!

**Matthew:** ...Who gave him sugar? Anyway, since he forgot it; Read, Review, Recommend.

* * *

After hesitating for almost 3 minutes, I opened the door. First thing I saw was the back of a mountain of a man with a blood stained cleaver, chopping what I chose to believe was part of a pig. I cleared my throat, only part of me actually wishing to be heard.

The rest of me was very disappointed when the unmistakable bulk of Sig Curtis turned around, cleaver in hand. "Hmm? You want something?"

My jaw dropped. Quickly, I forced my brain into auto-pilot, hoping that the next words out of my mouth wouldn't make me look like a fool.

I pointed my finger at Sig, leaning the rest of my body away. "He's like a bear! He's like a big shaved bear that hates people!"

_*Matthew Jones was never seen nor heard from again after passing out from a combination of fear, embarrassment, and the cleaver thrown at him by Izumi Curtis shortly after the former's outburst*_


End file.
